Anxiety

        So I decided to write about my issues with anxiety and depression.  Most of my life I have felt anxiety and depression but it became more elevated as soon as I became a tween.  I remember feeling anxious and terrified of going to school everyday.  I loathed the end of a vacation because I knew I would be faced with the crowded hallways of my school.  Anything that someone told me was bad or scary became my biggest fear.  Scare tactics worked on me like a charm - I didn't want to date or use drugs. I also didn't want to drive.  I was terrified of operating heavy machinery and risking my life everyday. I also was extremely terrified of leaving my home. I didn't want to go to Summer camp because I was so scared of being around people I didn't know.  Later in high school I started seeing a psychologist and started taking medication.  I had intermittent therapy and medication in college and my early twenties.
       When I went to college I Remember my first night in my dorm room.  I had an overwhelming sense of homesickness.  I really wanted to go to college and be on my own but being in an unfamiliar room all by myself was terrifying.  The next day I was reunited with my friends from high school and I felt less anxious.  Almost immediately I discovered how alcohol made me feel completely uninhibited.  I was able to make new friends and have fun in large gatherings.  Alcohol quickly became my coping mechanism.  The medication I was taking was not being monitored by a psychiatrist and I was upset with how unaffected it made me feel.  Nothing was exciting and I didn't look forward to anything.  I stopped taking my medication and I felt better but my emotions were all over the place.  I was irrational, angry, obsessive, anxious, etc.  I definitely relied on drinking and socializing to make me feel better. School became my second priority and I eventually dropped out (in my fourth year:().
    I moved back to Portland and moved into my Uncle's house and for the first time, I lived alone.  My anxiety was at it's peak when I lived alone.   I had horrible anxiety attacks and eventually I ended up in the hospital because I was having a bad panic attack.  I was immediately put back on the medication I was taking several years prior. I decided to go back to school and I moved in with my boyfriend.  I had so much anxiety about my life changes that I lost a ton of weight because I couldn't eat.  I don't think my anxiety ever got better in the six years I was in that relationship.  I stopped taking my medication again for a few years, but when I started working at Kaiser I started again.
    Being in a stressful relationship and working at Kaiser nearly pushed me to the edge.  My boss at the time actually confronted me and asked me if there was anything they could do because she heard I wasn't doing well.  I started going to therapy again and I was feeling a little better.  My first three years at Kaiser were extremely bumpy and I went through a lot of mental and emotional highs and lows.  Tony and I met again (we knew each other in high school) and I left my ex-boyfriend and moved in with Tony.  That was an impulsive decision but I knew that he was a good partner for me, so it ended up being a good decision.
    I started seeing a new therapist and I was referred to a psychiatrist.  Both helped me so much because they were able to help me figure out what was going on in my head.  Despite some anxiety inducing decisions, I have made in my life, I knew there were issues that I could not explain.  One of the things I was diagnose with was agoraphobia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agoraphobia.  I fit the description perfectly.  I am especially anxious in unfamiliar environments.  Without taking extra anxiety medication - like benzodiazepines http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzodiazepine, I can barely cope.  I get irritable, anxious, and withdrawn.  I have to find a quiet space or a hiding space.  I usually find a bathroom or stay in the car.  At the time of my diagnosis I decided to stop drinking, mainly because my psychiatrist said it would be bad to mix it with my medication.  When I stopped drinking my agoraphobia got worse and worse.  I realized drinking was my coping mechanism and was the reason I was so social.  I absolutely cannot tolerate busy environments.  I get sweaty and disoriented and all I can think about is escaping.  Because of this I avoid those situations.  I do not know if I will get better but all I know now is that I cannot put myself in those situations.  I know it has been hard on my friends and acquaintances but I am getting used to people reacting weirdly to my party invitation rejections.  One of the biggest reasons I wanted to elope was because a wedding sounded terrifying to me.
    I wanted to post this, as vulnerable and uncomfortable as it seems because I want people to understand that this is something that affects me.  I do not want people to think I am rude, or disrespectful but at this point in my life I care about myself the most.  I can't be a happy or good person if I don't take care of my mental health.  In case you are wondering about school, the first few visits were terrifying but once I got used to my classes and schedule I got comfortable.  I go through the same process every term.